Monday, February 23, 2009
Folks, these are the thoughts that have been running through my head ever since I recieved an invitation to my 10-year high school reunion a couple of days ago. This was my first sign that I may someday be getting old. I mean, I look pretty much the same, not accounting for my hobo-like weight gain and new, Eskimo-round face. But what is everyone else going to look like? I have this running scenario in my head that my whole reunion will consist of me and John Cusack killing a deadly assassin in the school hallways and then burning his body in the furnace room.
Wait a minute, I just described the entire plot to the movie Grosse Point Blank. Oops, that John Cusack is a rascal! Always popping up in my day dreams! Moving on...
So I guess what I'm trying to say is: Where did all the time go?
I don't feel any older, in fact, I feel nerdier than I did in high school sometimes. I still collect comic books. I still listen to crazy amounts of music. And I still make my friends ask my wife out on dates for me. Well, not really on the last part, but that is how I originally got her to go out on our first date. Sucker!
But I have decided that I am going to attend this so-called "Reunion" in July. I was part of that Romy and Michelle's B-Squad in high school, so I don't really have any enemies and I had a fair amount of friends. I have an insane desire to see if everyone turned out the way they planned or if they became crazy Meth addicts that were extras on the Knight Rider remake. Either way, it should make for an interesting weekend. And my wife can see me do the Tootsie Roll with my retarded friends! Yes!
Yosemite High 4 Life! Suck it!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Here is some random Missing Persons for all of you! I'm pretty sure that I would need to be on Shrooms to understand what this is about, but "Destination Unknown" is still a rad song. Enjoy!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
"Awwwwwww shit!" I yelled to myself, barely containing the boner I had as I thought about just how good this new album would be and where it would stack up compared to their other albums. Would it be a return to the alt-rock electro sound of Achtung Baby and Zooropa? Would it be a stripped-down rock affair like their last two albums? Or would it maybe even be a throw-back to their classic 80's albums, Boy and War?
I didn't know, but I was about to find out.
When I got home and told my wife to get out of the way because I was going to *ahem* obtain the new U2 album, she started to laugh at me. I asked her what the hell was so funny and she proceeded to tell me that Perez Hilton, of all people, had reviewed the album and said "it sucks".
WHAT?! Man, fuck Perez Hilton, I told her. This is the same little bastard who thinks Lady Gaga is the second coming of Madonna, and he is going to tell me that the new U2 sucks? I would say that he sucks, but that isn't much of a burn since he does.
Anyways, I downloaded the album and then I listened to it from front to back, without any interruptions.
Only, Perez was right. This album does suck. Bad.
And I started second-guessing myself. Was it me? Maybe I didn't listen hard enough. Maybe it's one of those brilliant albums that takes you two or three years to really get into.
But folks, I'm not that dumb. This is the biggest piece of shit U2 has ever committed to tape. This is worse than the mullet Bono had in the 80's AND that time the Edge sang lead vocals. Half of this thing sounds like slow choir music and the other half sounds like Bono has taken up residence with a pack of howler monkeys and adopted their version of singing. The melodies alone make me cringe worse than Joe Cocker when he sings "A Little Help From My Friends". And I will have you know that I've taken a shit three times since I first listened to the album, hence the title to this blog.
I'm not proud of this. I love U2. But, I would be a lousy critic if I told you to go out and buy "No Line On The Horizon." Because I won't be doing that, at least, not when I can turn around with the same $15 bucks and go buy some paint to huff so I can get that fucking album out of my mind.
MC Hammer - Pumps in a Bump
This is pretty much the most hilarious video of all time. Props goes to Pedro for blessing my workplace with this soft-core porn of a Hammer video. Note the monstrous boner he dances around with for most of the video, as well as the fact that he plays dominos in a speedo while all of his friends have clothes on. I'm pretty sure the director of this video was a dude......who liked dudes.
Friday, February 13, 2009
You see, sometimes when you are married, it gets tough to think of new and exciting ways to surprise your spouse with romantic gestures. So this Valentine's Day, I have decided to sprinkle some love on the internet with some viral blogging.
My wife is a wonderful woman. Most of the time, I have no idea why she decided to go out with me in the first place, much less marry me! I'm pretty sure the joke was on her, due to the fact that I have some pretty terrible qualities. I've decided to list some of those qualities so that my reading public knows what the wife has to deal with.
1. I am extremely lazy.
This is evidenced my lack of a workout routine and horrible dedication to my diet. I currently resemble the fat version of Chino from the Deftones, but in about 10 years, I will probably look like Arnold from Happy Days. That's gotta be rough to live with.
2.I am a super nerd.
I've got a comic book collection bigger than most small town libraries, I listen to/download/talk about music non-stop (much of which she doesn't really listen to, but attempts to for me), I spend most of my free time writing on the computer, and my all-time favorite show is Quantum Leap. If I had joined a fraternity, the only one that would have accepted me would have been Lamda Lamda Lamda.
3. I am the worst handy-man. Ever.
Yep, this one hurts. I pretty much have to call her dad every time I need something fixed or installed. I have literally no idea what to do with most of my toolbox, which my dad had to put together for me. I am almost certain I have an honorary vagina due to my terrible handy-man status.
So...pretty terrible,right? How the hell does she put up with me?
Well, I've got a pretty short list for this one. It goes something like this:
1. I am still crazy in love with her, Beyonce and Jay-Z style.
2. I cook a mean Hot Pocket.
3. My junk is better than average.
There you have it! A marraige made in heaven, thanks in no small part to my wife putting up with my shenanigans.
So thank you baby. And Happy Valentine's Day.
P.S. Visit my facebook and myspace pages for alternate stories and tributes. This shit is just getting started!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
So naturally, I am on pins and needles to see if these reunions have what it takes to go the distance, or if they are going to crash and burn faster than the Led Zeppelin reunion.
The biggest bands getting back together out of this bunch are, of course:
Chumbawumba, 4 Non Blondes, and Right Said Fred.
Just fucking with you guys. Maybe.
The ACTUAL bands to watch this year will be Blink-182 and No Doubt, with a couple minor bands like Third Eye Blind and Superdrag throwing their hats in the ring as well.
Can Blink co-exist? That is a damn good question considering that for the larger part of 5 years Tom Delonge has had his head stuck up his ass, Travis Barker almost died, and Mark Hoppus has a successful producing/internet radio career going on. But these guys were friends for a long time before they threw in the towel, so who knows? Maybe it will all work out. What I DO know is that my dork gets a tingly sensation just thinking about some new music from these guys, so we've got that going for us.
And can I get a "Hell Yeah!" to Gwen Stefani giving up her retardedly shitty solo career to go back to the band that put her on the map? Fuck! Her solo career was so bad that every time "The Sweet Escape" would come on the radio, I'd get a raging pain in my stomach and have to drop deuce. So thank you to No Doubt, your reunion will, if nothing else, save my wallet and ass the expense of Preparation H.
Just as a conversation starter, who else do you guys think should reunite from the Class of 1999?
And if you say Limp Bizkit, you are deader to me than Fredo was to Michael Corleone.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
And when I say hunt, I'm not talking about moose or caribou. No, there is only one thing that gives me the satisfaction of the chase and capture that I so desperately crave. The flowing hair, the delicate features, the mustaches. What?
"Mustaches?", you say? You mean you thought I was talking about girls? Hell no fools, I'm married!
No, I'm talking about hunting that rarest of breeds, the only animal that is truly untamable:
The Mullet!Yes my friends, this time every year I become obsessed with that all-too familiar hobby known as Mullet Hunting. You just can't beat going to the park with your family, or going out on a date with your significant other, and seeing grown men with haircuts that would make Larry and Balki from Perfect Strangers blush.
I especially like those entreprenurial parents who decide that it's not enough for the husband and wife to have mullets, but they decide that all of their kids need this ass-kicking cut as well.
There are a number of different mullet classifications and styles, too many to list actually. But, my personal favorite has always been known as the "Midgi-Mullet". This is a mullet that just happens to be worn by a little person, also known lovingly as a midget.
I know that some of you may be asking yourselves,"Well, if El Rey loves mullets so much, why doesn't he have one?"
That is a completely valid question and here is your answer:
El Rey wants to have sex with someone other than his hand.
Happy Mullet Hunting!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Please come back Lil Wayne. I love rock and roll. In fact, it's my number one love, besides my family and my balls. But, in no way should you be taking a foray into this genre. Your singing voice is attrocious, in fact, I think it's actually made WORSE by your flagrant misuse of the auto-tune. And you are aware that you are markedly better at rhyming than all but a handful of rappers, right? So go do what you do best and leave the shitty crossover rock to Fred Durst and Tommy Lee.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Yeah, I said it. You try watching that horse-shit game every year while your favorite team sits at home drinking milk and knitting sweaters because they suck donkey balls. It sucks.
Stupid Super Bowl.
Well, at least Chuck comes back tomorrow. And spring training starts in 2 weeks! Dodgers what!