I'm Totally Gay For My Wife!

Alright, now most of you who read my blog like to laugh at the scathing iceburn insults I use to slap down celebrities and non-celebrities with each and every day. And while I completely appreciate that and will continue to do my best to make you laugh, you might want to stop reading right now because this post is going to be a little different.
You see, sometimes when you are married, it gets tough to think of new and exciting ways to surprise your spouse with romantic gestures. So this Valentine's Day, I have decided to sprinkle some love on the internet with some viral blogging.
My wife is a wonderful woman. Most of the time, I have no idea why she decided to go out with me in the first place, much less marry me! I'm pretty sure the joke was on her, due to the fact that I have some pretty terrible qualities. I've decided to list some of those qualities so that my reading public knows what the wife has to deal with.
1. I am extremely lazy.
This is evidenced my lack of a workout routine and horrible dedication to my diet. I currently resemble the fat version of Chino from the Deftones, but in about 10 years, I will probably look like Arnold from Happy Days. That's gotta be rough to live with.
2.I am a super nerd.
I've got a comic book collection bigger than most small town libraries, I listen to/download/talk about music non-stop (much of which she doesn't really listen to, but attempts to for me), I spend most of my free time writing on the computer, and my all-time favorite show is Quantum Leap. If I had joined a fraternity, the only one that would have accepted me would have been Lamda Lamda Lamda.
3. I am the worst handy-man. Ever.
Yep, this one hurts. I pretty much have to call her dad every time I need something fixed or installed. I have literally no idea what to do with most of my toolbox, which my dad had to put together for me. I am almost certain I have an honorary vagina due to my terrible handy-man status.
So...pretty terrible,right? How the hell does she put up with me?
Well, I've got a pretty short list for this one. It goes something like this:
1. I am still crazy in love with her, Beyonce and Jay-Z style.
2. I cook a mean Hot Pocket.
3. My junk is better than average.
There you have it! A marraige made in heaven, thanks in no small part to my wife putting up with my shenanigans.
So thank you baby. And Happy Valentine's Day.

P.S. Visit my facebook and myspace pages for alternate stories and tributes. This shit is just getting started!

El Rey

The Great White Dope

When I ended my last blog, I encouraged the 3 people that read my rants to think of any other bands they would be excited to see get back together. I also said, and I quote(myself), "If you say Limp Bizkit, you will be deader to me than Fredo was to Michael Corleone."

Well folks, as the bathroom walls always tell me, the joke was in my hand. Figuratively, of course. Because, when I woke up today, my worst fears were realized.

The Bizkit is back.

And not just a little bit back. We are talking full scale reunion back. Full tour, new album, all the original heshers, I mean members. You know - the works.

But just as I was about to kill myself with the same chocolate enema they used on 2 Girls and a Cup, I realized something.

This could be the best thing that has ever happened to our country.

This could be the economic stimulus that President Obama has been waiting for.

Because if Limp Bizkit is back, it's only going to mean one thing: The Bro's are back too.

Now, before I go any further, I need to explain something. It's true that for a number of years, I have had a longstanding beef with the lead singer of Limp Bizkit, a Mr. Fred Durst.

I think Fred Durst is the biggest cock holster this side of the Andes. But that doesn't mean I won't give him credit where credit is due. By being a cocksure poser who wrote horrific rap/metal songs, he was able to touch an entire generation of young men in a way the Catholic church has never been able to. He gave them a voice. They felt as if he was one of them.

So, they started to assume his identity as if it were their own.

First, it was just a backwards hat, but pretty soon these young men were totally different people. They worked out all the time. They listened to the type of loud, obnoxious rap and rock music that nobody who actually enjoyed music would be caught dead listening to. They drove trucks and attatched balls to them, partially due to the fact that they had none.

And this was how the "Bro" was born.

And in the year 2001, when Wes Borland left a then-firing on all mind-control cylinders Limp Bizkit, every Bro in America cried himself to sleep. And the American economy took a nosedive faster than Chris Brown.

Until now.

As I am writing this, Bro's all over America are waking up from their grief inflicted comas and are hearing the news that their saviors are getting back together. And as they hear this news, they are already revving up those monster truck engines and preparing to ride one more time to that cockfest they call a Family Values Tour concert, which Limp Bizkit will once again be headlining. Bro's will come from miles away and pay obscene amounts of money to recapture their youth and once again hear timeless classics, such as "Nookie" and "Break Stuff".

Yes, classics that will no doubt be spoken in the same breath as "Stairway to Heaven" and "Unforgettable" one day, far in the future.

So President Obama, cancel that stimulus plan. We won't need the money.

No, now that the Bro's are back with all their steroid pumped cash, the economy is gonna be just fine.

Thank you Fred Durst. Thank you for bringing the Bro's back out of hiding.

You motherfucker.

El Rey

2009 is the new 1999!

Yes! Like Meatloaf and Celine Dion, it's all coming back to me now. In a move that happens more or less every year now, some very kick-ass bands have decided to reunite to tour the world and/or make a new album. The interesting twist to this years' batch of Bands Reunited is that they were all hugely popular when your pal El Rey was about 20 pounds lighter and copping his first feelsky on the opposite sex.
So naturally, I am on pins and needles to see if these reunions have what it takes to go the distance, or if they are going to crash and burn faster than the Led Zeppelin reunion.
The biggest bands getting back together out of this bunch are, of course:

Chumbawumba, 4 Non Blondes, and Right Said Fred.

Hell yeah,right?

Just fucking with you guys. Maybe.

The ACTUAL bands to watch this year will be Blink-182 and No Doubt, with a couple minor bands like Third Eye Blind and Superdrag throwing their hats in the ring as well.
Can Blink co-exist? That is a damn good question considering that for the larger part of 5 years Tom Delonge has had his head stuck up his ass, Travis Barker almost died, and Mark Hoppus has a successful producing/internet radio career going on. But these guys were friends for a long time before they threw in the towel, so who knows? Maybe it will all work out. What I DO know is that my dork gets a tingly sensation just thinking about some new music from these guys, so we've got that going for us.
And can I get a "Hell Yeah!" to Gwen Stefani giving up her retardedly shitty solo career to go back to the band that put her on the map? Fuck! Her solo career was so bad that every time "The Sweet Escape" would come on the radio, I'd get a raging pain in my stomach and have to drop deuce. So thank you to No Doubt, your reunion will, if nothing else, save my wallet and ass the expense of Preparation H.

PS.
Just as a conversation starter, who else do you guys think should reunite from the Class of 1999?
And if you say Limp Bizkit, you are deader to me than Fredo was to Michael Corleone.

El Rey

Nothing But A Good Time

Every year as the weather changes and the leaves start turning different colors, a feeling comes over me that I just can't explain. It's a primal urge that makes me feel like a caveman trying to start fire. An urge to run wild. An urge to gather. An urge to HUNT.

And when I say hunt, I'm not talking about moose or caribou. No, there is only one thing that gives me the satisfaction of the chase and capture that I so desperately crave. The flowing hair, the delicate features, the mustaches. What?
"Mustaches?", you say? You mean you thought I was talking about girls? Hell no fools, I'm married!
No, I'm talking about hunting that rarest of breeds, the only animal that is truly untamable:

The Mullet!

Yes my friends, this time every year I become obsessed with that all-too familiar hobby known as Mullet Hunting. You just can't beat going to the park with your family, or going out on a date with your significant other, and seeing grown men with haircuts that would make Larry and Balki from Perfect Strangers blush.
I especially like those entreprenurial parents who decide that it's not enough for the husband and wife to have mullets, but they decide that all of their kids need this ass-kicking cut as well.

Brilliant!

There are a number of different mullet classifications and styles, too many to list actually. But, my personal favorite has always been known as the "Midgi-Mullet". This is a mullet that just happens to be worn by a little person, also known lovingly as a midget.

I know that some of you may be asking yourselves,"Well, if El Rey loves mullets so much, why doesn't he have one?"

That is a completely valid question and here is your answer:

El Rey wants to have sex with someone other than his hand.



Happy Mullet Hunting!



El Rey

Who IS this guy?

Are you kidding me? WHAT THE FUCK! Who IS this guy? Did Urkel get a new show that I'm unaware of? THIS is what Weezy F. Baby has come to? What happened to the guy below that used to be in my top 5 rappers lists before people had even jumped onto his testicles?
Please come back Lil Wayne. I love rock and roll. In fact, it's my number one love, besides my family and my balls. But, in no way should you be taking a foray into this genre. Your singing voice is attrocious, in fact, I think it's actually made WORSE by your flagrant misuse of the auto-tune. And you are aware that you are markedly better at rhyming than all but a handful of rappers, right? So go do what you do best and leave the shitty crossover rock to Fred Durst and Tommy Lee.

And who knows? Maybe Fresh will give you a nasty beat and you and the Hot Boyz will get back together and re-take over the world.

Riiiiiiiight. And maybe this blogger will become a millionaire and wake up swimming in his own feces,money, and coke.

El Rey

Get This New Pumpkins Jam

Go grab the new Smashing Pumpkins track,"FOL", which debuted during the Super Bowl.

It's a totally free download, all you need to do is enter your email and an mp3 link pops right up.

The track is a balls-out rocker that clocks in right around 3:00 minutes or so, and it has an instantly memorable hook.

But don't take my word for it, here is the link: http://download.hyundaigenesis.com/RegistrationPage.aspx?downloadfilename=billy.mp3

Don't say I never did anything for you. Young!

El Rey

Super Snooze

So, as I was getting ready for work this morning while all of my degenerate friends were stocking up on pretzels and booze for today's game, I came to a realization: I could give two left nuts about the Super Bowl.
Yeah, I said it. You try watching that horse-shit game every year while your favorite team sits at home drinking milk and knitting sweaters because they suck donkey balls. It sucks.
Stupid Super Bowl.

Well, at least Chuck comes back tomorrow. And spring training starts in 2 weeks! Dodgers what!

El Rey