At this point in time, everyone I know but my wife and penis have their own Facebook account. And it's okay that neither of them have joined the craze, seeing as how I hang out with both of them everyday, in one of their cases, literally "hanging out" all day.
You see, Facebook has replaced Myspace in the grown persons' world as a tool of communication between friends. Myspace is like the puberty version of Facebook, so everyone over the age of 21 has migrated to Facebook, which is supposedly more "adult".
Of course, Facebook is NOT more adult. In fact, for some reason, it seems like maybe the "adult" version of High School. I have basically added everyone I knew in high school to my friends list, with the ommission of a couple superchoads that I wanted to punch in the nards back then and probably would today also. My friends and I bullshit about entirely random stuff online, in between going to work and attending school. People get pissed off at each other, and instead of fighting like normal friends do, they delete the person from their friend list. This, of course, is the ultimate burn, to get "deleted". You've got to be a real slimeball to delete someone from your friends' list. Is this sounding at all childish and high school-like?
I thought so. And yet, I am addicted to it like the crack addicts that hang out behind the Shell station by my job. It is a fun way to keep in contact with people that live far away, and you are able to talk more shit to a person than normal, because well, it's online.
And that brings me to my second topic, which involves cussing.
It has recently come to my attention that I curse profusely and, in some instances, reference feces more than a standard guy is supposed to. I have been attempting to cut down on this, since I have a 2 year old around me that enjoys copying everything I do, including when I scratch my balls. But I am having a terrible time! I love to cuss. It makes everything sound funnier and more important.
For instance, if I were telling you that a new cd is good, would you be more prone to obtain the cd with this glowing endoresement: " That is a wonderful cd."
or this one: " That cd fuckin' kicks the balls out of me!"
Of course you would pick option 2. Here is another example: If I were asking you to share a donut with me, would you rather I ask you this way: " Might I please have a donut?"
or this way: " Give me one of those sweet ass mutha fuckin' donuts please!"
Redundant right? Everyone picks option 2. My point is made. Everything sounds better with cussing.
I suppose it will remain a work in progress.
Until next time - Mutha Fuckin' Peace Out!!
El Rey
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tribute
A few days ago, I received some extraordinarily terrible news. A wonderful person and friend of mine, Jill St. Onge, had passed away suddenly while traveling in Thailand. This is something that greatly saddened me and I supposed that the only thing I could do would be to write something about Jill.
I've had a case of writer's block for the past couple of weeks, hence the lack of new blog activity here, but I have been flooded with memories and funny stories involving Jill throughout my high school career and my friendship with her during those times. In high school, and for a couple of years afterwards, I had a couple of different crews that I hung out with. I had the "Dude" crew, which consisted of my retarded guy buddies and generally involved lots of noogies and alcohol, and I had my "Girl" crew. Now, most guys don't get a Girl crew to hang out with, but for some cool reason, I was very lucky to have a crew of ladies that I considered my buddies. And we did pretty much any sort of cool activites that you can think of together. We went to every concert imaginable, hung out, and basically had an awesome time every day.
Jill was one of the girls in my Crew, and she was about as kick-ass of a person as I had ever met. She knew about all kinds of music, so right away we decided to be pals. She helped me organize senior parking lot dances before school, where we would skank to the rudest ska known to man before school started.
Jill also, for some odd reason, thought that I would do very cool things in this world, including becoming a famous radio dj. She went so far as naming me DJ Reynaldo (very witty) and making me my own cd's to distribute as a graduation present. I always thought that was the coolest thing ever and hopefully, she knew that.
Anyways, I suck at tributes, but I wanted to everyone to know that Jill was awesome, if they didn't already know.
I lost one of my crew, but I know Jill is still listening to that beautiful ska beat in the sky.
El Rey
I've had a case of writer's block for the past couple of weeks, hence the lack of new blog activity here, but I have been flooded with memories and funny stories involving Jill throughout my high school career and my friendship with her during those times. In high school, and for a couple of years afterwards, I had a couple of different crews that I hung out with. I had the "Dude" crew, which consisted of my retarded guy buddies and generally involved lots of noogies and alcohol, and I had my "Girl" crew. Now, most guys don't get a Girl crew to hang out with, but for some cool reason, I was very lucky to have a crew of ladies that I considered my buddies. And we did pretty much any sort of cool activites that you can think of together. We went to every concert imaginable, hung out, and basically had an awesome time every day.
Jill was one of the girls in my Crew, and she was about as kick-ass of a person as I had ever met. She knew about all kinds of music, so right away we decided to be pals. She helped me organize senior parking lot dances before school, where we would skank to the rudest ska known to man before school started.
Jill also, for some odd reason, thought that I would do very cool things in this world, including becoming a famous radio dj. She went so far as naming me DJ Reynaldo (very witty) and making me my own cd's to distribute as a graduation present. I always thought that was the coolest thing ever and hopefully, she knew that.
Anyways, I suck at tributes, but I wanted to everyone to know that Jill was awesome, if they didn't already know.
I lost one of my crew, but I know Jill is still listening to that beautiful ska beat in the sky.
El Rey
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
New Music and Musings
In the 2 weeks since my last post, I have:
(a) Become a mutant blessed with the gift of flight
(b) Learned the Secret of Nimh
(c) Got my first pubes
0r
(d) Lost five pounds by shitting my brain out with the flu
If you guessed (d) the flu, you win a lifetime supply of Beanie Babies, courtesy of my weird brother-in-law!
But seriously, don't get the flu. It changes how you look at a toilet. Forever.
Moving on, there is an insane amount of music that is available for your listening pleasure right now, so I thought I'd highlight a few of my current favorites in the hopes that you might check something new out.
1. Silversun Pickups - Swoon
The second album by these Southern California favorites is, in my opinion, even better than their first album. They continue to use the quiet/loud approach, following the blueprint that bands like The Pixies and,later, The Smashing Pumpkins perfected over thier illustrious careers. But they have their own sound as well, creating dreamy landscapes before rocking your balls off with their fuzzed-out choruses. Please check this album out and sample their new single," Panic Switch" at www.myspace.com/silversunpickups.
2. Depeche Mode - Sounds of the Universe
By now, you'd think that you know what a Depeche Mode record is going to sound like. Big, sweeping synths with a little bit of guitar. Dave Gahan's robotically soulful voice. Lots of memorable choruses. And you would be right to think that this album has got all of those things, because it does. In spades. But it's also much less predicatable sounding than the last few records that the Mode boys have released. The beats are set to different tempos, Martin Gore sings back-up quite a bit more than he usually does, and there are about 5 remixes for every song circulating the internet right now. And all of these things are wonderful, by the way. This is one of the best albums Depeche Mode has put out since their classic,"Violator". Give it a spin and see what you think.
3. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Rocks out with some punchy guitars and just the slightest bit of synth, French-style. Awesome album.
Also keep an eye out for new albums by 311, eels, Incubus, dredg, Gary Numan, AIR, Green Day, Wolfmother, and Fischerspooner. All of these bands will be dropping in the next couple of months, so be ready for plenty of sweet jams this summer.
Until next time,
Until next time,
El Rey
Saturday, March 28, 2009
What's Hip?
In my neverending quest to stay cool throughout the years, I've given many things a try and have even been decently successful at a few. Some of my fads were (and probably in this order):
- I tried, and basically succeeded, at wearing Hammer pants to school almost every day that I was in the 4th grade. - I also believed that I was the third member of the legendary rap duo known as Kris Kross. This made taking a leak problematic since all of my clothes were now worn backwards.
- I pioneered a new look at my school by getting a state-of-the-art haircut that was named "The Step". This revolutionary haircut is now more commonly known as a "Mushroom" or "Bowl" cut, and is generally the basis for all laughing now done at my expense when the family gets together and looks at old photographs. Curse you, Rider Strong from Boy Meets World! Curse you! - I had a case full of pogs that was housed in basically the tallest waterbong that anyone had ever seen. Amazing that pog companies got away with that design. It was a 6 foot tall tube that I used to intimidate my opponents before I played them. Man, if pogs was a real sport, I'm pretty sure I could have turned pro. Sigh.
-I had a life-size poster of Jenny McCarthy on my room wall, and while I'm not quite sure if this is a fad, my palms were just as sore as every other fifteen year-old boy with that poster in his room.
- I convinced all of my friends that Spacehog and The Verve Pipe were going to be HUGE one day. Instead, their albums lay dormant at the bottom of every discount bin any record stores have to offer. Sadly, I still like both of those bands.
- I tried to learn how to swing dance because I was convinced that it was the wave of the future. Even though it was really the wave of the past. That came back to the future. And then left. Huh?
- I tried out to be a VJ for MTV during a VJ search and I actually made it pretty far. Then I met Carson Daly and decided that if I was ever that big of an assclown, I would let a midget kick me in the junk. Still midget-free to this day, I'd like to add. I am also still money-free and not famous. Go figure.
- I recently activated a Twitter account. I hate it. I can't figure out how to reply and if you are someones' friend, they don't have to be yours. So the only person I have following my Tweets is a Shaquille O'neal Casino? I don't even know what that is!
I suppose there is no moral to this post, but it sure was fun remembering how much of a jack-ass I am, right?
El Rey
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Am I the only one....
Am I the only one who......
....listens to hip hop while driving at night because I find it super relaxing?
....comes up with the best ideas of all time while I'm taking a dump?
....uses Winnie The Pooh cartoons to trick my son into eating lunch?
....downloads way more music than he can possibly listen to, including bands he's never heard of?
....thinks comic book authors are pretty much the smartest writers around?
....wishes John Cusack and Nic Cage would ditch the action movies and make something cool again?
....wishes he had more money? Like rob a bank money?
....wants to make sure no one can ever use an Auto-Tuner to make music ever again?
....thinks the Dodgers should sign Pedro Martinez to be their 5th starter already?
....is tired of reading about Chris Brown and Rihanna? Jeez!
....needs like 5 cups of coffee a day?
....wants to write about music and comedy for a living?
....thinks the new Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is really funny?
....that believes the whole "big feet, big dong" myth is a hoax created by a guy with big feet and a little dong?
....that wants to move to the Bay Area but doesn't have enough money yet?
....has a wife that should have been a comedian?
....sucks ass at fixing stuff?
....likes creating his own lists?
Now you think of one!
El Rey
....listens to hip hop while driving at night because I find it super relaxing?
....comes up with the best ideas of all time while I'm taking a dump?
....uses Winnie The Pooh cartoons to trick my son into eating lunch?
....downloads way more music than he can possibly listen to, including bands he's never heard of?
....thinks comic book authors are pretty much the smartest writers around?
....wishes John Cusack and Nic Cage would ditch the action movies and make something cool again?
....wishes he had more money? Like rob a bank money?
....wants to make sure no one can ever use an Auto-Tuner to make music ever again?
....thinks the Dodgers should sign Pedro Martinez to be their 5th starter already?
....is tired of reading about Chris Brown and Rihanna? Jeez!
....needs like 5 cups of coffee a day?
....wants to write about music and comedy for a living?
....thinks the new Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is really funny?
....that believes the whole "big feet, big dong" myth is a hoax created by a guy with big feet and a little dong?
....that wants to move to the Bay Area but doesn't have enough money yet?
....has a wife that should have been a comedian?
....sucks ass at fixing stuff?
....likes creating his own lists?
Now you think of one!
El Rey
Turnabouts Fair Play
Okay, so here is the scenario for my current tale of nastiness:
The wife and I took our son Max to the zoo for some quality animal gazing yesterday, and after staring at elephant crap for about 2 hours, I realized that I now had to take a dump. This becomes a problematic thing because the zoo is not the cleanest place to sit on a shitter and let the brown snakes fly, if you know what I mean.
So, I am forced to push the thought of squeezing a turd out to the back of my mind (and my colon!) and wait until we leave the zoo. Only, once we leave the zoo, we go shopping and eating on a main street that has no public restrooms. Zero.
Meanwhile, my ass is starting to get that same, pained feeling it gets whenever a Lifetime Original Movie comes on tv. So, I panic. I tell my wife that my shit is going to explode all over the car unless we get somewhere I can take a dump pronto. We pull over at a quaint little coffee shop that appears to have a public restroom, and I ran in there so fast that my wife finally got to see what I looked like before I was out of shape and overweight.
I completely destroyed that poor bathroom. I'm talking Hiroshima. It smelled so bad that I gagged myself a couple of times. And, as I walked out of the bathroom, I realized that there was someone waiting in line to use that bad boy. An old man that appeared very pleasant was patiently waiting his turn to use the men's room, and as he stepped into the restroom, I heard him very distinctly say," Oh motherfucker! That shit stinks worse than my balls!"
Or it was something very close to that. I may be paraphrasing.
At any rate, I felt bad for the guy. No one should have to walk into the trap that I had just laid. Only, as I started to think about it, how many times had that happened to me? How many times had I been the unassuming dupe that had walked into a land mine riddled men's room and gotten the stink face?
The answer is quite a few times. Quite a few times.
So there is the lesson, right? It's like leaving your clothes at a dry cleaners: You take some, you lose some. It's the law of the jungle.
Or the bathroom.
El Rey
The wife and I took our son Max to the zoo for some quality animal gazing yesterday, and after staring at elephant crap for about 2 hours, I realized that I now had to take a dump. This becomes a problematic thing because the zoo is not the cleanest place to sit on a shitter and let the brown snakes fly, if you know what I mean.
So, I am forced to push the thought of squeezing a turd out to the back of my mind (and my colon!) and wait until we leave the zoo. Only, once we leave the zoo, we go shopping and eating on a main street that has no public restrooms. Zero.
Meanwhile, my ass is starting to get that same, pained feeling it gets whenever a Lifetime Original Movie comes on tv. So, I panic. I tell my wife that my shit is going to explode all over the car unless we get somewhere I can take a dump pronto. We pull over at a quaint little coffee shop that appears to have a public restroom, and I ran in there so fast that my wife finally got to see what I looked like before I was out of shape and overweight.
I completely destroyed that poor bathroom. I'm talking Hiroshima. It smelled so bad that I gagged myself a couple of times. And, as I walked out of the bathroom, I realized that there was someone waiting in line to use that bad boy. An old man that appeared very pleasant was patiently waiting his turn to use the men's room, and as he stepped into the restroom, I heard him very distinctly say," Oh motherfucker! That shit stinks worse than my balls!"
Or it was something very close to that. I may be paraphrasing.
At any rate, I felt bad for the guy. No one should have to walk into the trap that I had just laid. Only, as I started to think about it, how many times had that happened to me? How many times had I been the unassuming dupe that had walked into a land mine riddled men's room and gotten the stink face?
The answer is quite a few times. Quite a few times.
So there is the lesson, right? It's like leaving your clothes at a dry cleaners: You take some, you lose some. It's the law of the jungle.
Or the bathroom.
El Rey
Friday, March 13, 2009
Summer Concert Series
Every year, there are generally a few kick-ass concerts I want to go see, as well as the obligatory shit-fests like the Rock Star Mayhem Tour and Motley Crue's touring carnival of feces. This year is no different. Yesterday, as I was trolling Ticketmaster like Hugh Grant trolls Sunset Strip for some sweet hooker action, I counted at least 6 shows that I want to go to this summer. The highlights would have to be Depeche Mode at the Hollywood Bowl, 311, u2, No Doubt, NIN/Jane's Addiction, and the rumored Blink-182/Green Day double-headlining show that is guaranteed to make every punk rock girl's pants damp from New York to California.
Now, I have seen a few of these bands play throughout my illustrious concert career. The first concert I ever went to was No Doubt on their Tragic Kingdom tour, and I still have naughty dreams about that show. Awesome. I've seen 311 live around 7 times, and they are probably my favorite live act to go watch along with The Roots and Foo Fighters. Great energy.
The main band that has eluded me for years has always been Depeche Mode. For whatever reason, I just have not been able to score tickets for their concerts. It's always a different story, one year I'm broke, the next year tickets are sold out before I can get online. I feel like the guys on "Detroit Rock City" where they are trying to score tickets to the KISS show and are forced to shake their weewee's for money, only to get shut out of the show until they beat each other up and lie to the bouncer that they were mugged.
This year, I am proud to say, will be my year to foil Depeche Mode and their pesky legion of ticket buying fans. My wife has a friend who is in the fan club and he has promised to buy my tickets for me. Now, I can wear all the guy-liner I want to along with my black mesh shirt and leather pants and I will fit right in with the trannies and goth kids that always go to those shows! Score! Double score!
And for anyone out there that does NOT have an economy-related money shortage, do yourself a favor and fly to Chicago for Lollapalooza this summer. The line-up is insane and the headliners include the aforementioned Depeche Mode, along with Beastie Boys, Jane's Addiction and the Kings of Leon. I wish fucking Coachella had that cool of a roster!
At any rate, even if you only have money for one show, make an effort to go. You will never be sorry you went and you will always have a story to tell afterwards. Like that time I went to see Metallica and my friend crapped his pants at the bowling alley right before the show.
Just kidding!
No, I'm not.
El Rey
Now, I have seen a few of these bands play throughout my illustrious concert career. The first concert I ever went to was No Doubt on their Tragic Kingdom tour, and I still have naughty dreams about that show. Awesome. I've seen 311 live around 7 times, and they are probably my favorite live act to go watch along with The Roots and Foo Fighters. Great energy.
The main band that has eluded me for years has always been Depeche Mode. For whatever reason, I just have not been able to score tickets for their concerts. It's always a different story, one year I'm broke, the next year tickets are sold out before I can get online. I feel like the guys on "Detroit Rock City" where they are trying to score tickets to the KISS show and are forced to shake their weewee's for money, only to get shut out of the show until they beat each other up and lie to the bouncer that they were mugged.
This year, I am proud to say, will be my year to foil Depeche Mode and their pesky legion of ticket buying fans. My wife has a friend who is in the fan club and he has promised to buy my tickets for me. Now, I can wear all the guy-liner I want to along with my black mesh shirt and leather pants and I will fit right in with the trannies and goth kids that always go to those shows! Score! Double score!
And for anyone out there that does NOT have an economy-related money shortage, do yourself a favor and fly to Chicago for Lollapalooza this summer. The line-up is insane and the headliners include the aforementioned Depeche Mode, along with Beastie Boys, Jane's Addiction and the Kings of Leon. I wish fucking Coachella had that cool of a roster!
At any rate, even if you only have money for one show, make an effort to go. You will never be sorry you went and you will always have a story to tell afterwards. Like that time I went to see Metallica and my friend crapped his pants at the bowling alley right before the show.
Just kidding!
No, I'm not.
El Rey
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