Saturday, March 28, 2009

What's Hip?

In my neverending quest to stay cool throughout the years, I've given many things a try and have even been decently successful at a few. Some of my fads were (and probably in this order):

- I tried, and basically succeeded, at wearing Hammer pants to school almost every day that I was in the 4th grade. - I also believed that I was the third member of the legendary rap duo known as Kris Kross. This made taking a leak problematic since all of my clothes were now worn backwards.

- I pioneered a new look at my school by getting a state-of-the-art haircut that was named "The Step". This revolutionary haircut is now more commonly known as a "Mushroom" or "Bowl" cut, and is generally the basis for all laughing now done at my expense when the family gets together and looks at old photographs. Curse you, Rider Strong from Boy Meets World! Curse you! - I had a case full of pogs that was housed in basically the tallest waterbong that anyone had ever seen. Amazing that pog companies got away with that design. It was a 6 foot tall tube that I used to intimidate my opponents before I played them. Man, if pogs was a real sport, I'm pretty sure I could have turned pro. Sigh.

-I had a life-size poster of Jenny McCarthy on my room wall, and while I'm not quite sure if this is a fad, my palms were just as sore as every other fifteen year-old boy with that poster in his room.

- I convinced all of my friends that Spacehog and The Verve Pipe were going to be HUGE one day. Instead, their albums lay dormant at the bottom of every discount bin any record stores have to offer. Sadly, I still like both of those bands.

- I tried to learn how to swing dance because I was convinced that it was the wave of the future. Even though it was really the wave of the past. That came back to the future. And then left. Huh?

- I tried out to be a VJ for MTV during a VJ search and I actually made it pretty far. Then I met Carson Daly and decided that if I was ever that big of an assclown, I would let a midget kick me in the junk. Still midget-free to this day, I'd like to add. I am also still money-free and not famous. Go figure.

- I recently activated a Twitter account. I hate it. I can't figure out how to reply and if you are someones' friend, they don't have to be yours. So the only person I have following my Tweets is a Shaquille O'neal Casino? I don't even know what that is!

I suppose there is no moral to this post, but it sure was fun remembering how much of a jack-ass I am, right?

El Rey

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Am I the only one....

Am I the only one who......

....listens to hip hop while driving at night because I find it super relaxing?
....comes up with the best ideas of all time while I'm taking a dump?
....uses Winnie The Pooh cartoons to trick my son into eating lunch?
....downloads way more music than he can possibly listen to, including bands he's never heard of?
....thinks comic book authors are pretty much the smartest writers around?
....wishes John Cusack and Nic Cage would ditch the action movies and make something cool again?
....wishes he had more money? Like rob a bank money?
....wants to make sure no one can ever use an Auto-Tuner to make music ever again?
....thinks the Dodgers should sign Pedro Martinez to be their 5th starter already? tired of reading about Chris Brown and Rihanna? Jeez!
....needs like 5 cups of coffee a day?
....wants to write about music and comedy for a living?
....thinks the new Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is really funny?
....that believes the whole "big feet, big dong" myth is a hoax created by a guy with big feet and a little dong?
....that wants to move to the Bay Area but doesn't have enough money yet?
....has a wife that should have been a comedian? ass at fixing stuff?
....likes creating his own lists?

Now you think of one!

El Rey

Turnabouts Fair Play

Okay, so here is the scenario for my current tale of nastiness:
The wife and I took our son Max to the zoo for some quality animal gazing yesterday, and after staring at elephant crap for about 2 hours, I realized that I now had to take a dump. This becomes a problematic thing because the zoo is not the cleanest place to sit on a shitter and let the brown snakes fly, if you know what I mean.
So, I am forced to push the thought of squeezing a turd out to the back of my mind (and my colon!) and wait until we leave the zoo. Only, once we leave the zoo, we go shopping and eating on a main street that has no public restrooms. Zero.
Meanwhile, my ass is starting to get that same, pained feeling it gets whenever a Lifetime Original Movie comes on tv. So, I panic. I tell my wife that my shit is going to explode all over the car unless we get somewhere I can take a dump pronto. We pull over at a quaint little coffee shop that appears to have a public restroom, and I ran in there so fast that my wife finally got to see what I looked like before I was out of shape and overweight.
I completely destroyed that poor bathroom. I'm talking Hiroshima. It smelled so bad that I gagged myself a couple of times. And, as I walked out of the bathroom, I realized that there was someone waiting in line to use that bad boy. An old man that appeared very pleasant was patiently waiting his turn to use the men's room, and as he stepped into the restroom, I heard him very distinctly say," Oh motherfucker! That shit stinks worse than my balls!"
Or it was something very close to that. I may be paraphrasing.
At any rate, I felt bad for the guy. No one should have to walk into the trap that I had just laid. Only, as I started to think about it, how many times had that happened to me? How many times had I been the unassuming dupe that had walked into a land mine riddled men's room and gotten the stink face?
The answer is quite a few times. Quite a few times.
So there is the lesson, right? It's like leaving your clothes at a dry cleaners: You take some, you lose some. It's the law of the jungle.
Or the bathroom.

El Rey

Friday, March 13, 2009

Summer Concert Series

Every year, there are generally a few kick-ass concerts I want to go see, as well as the obligatory shit-fests like the Rock Star Mayhem Tour and Motley Crue's touring carnival of feces. This year is no different. Yesterday, as I was trolling Ticketmaster like Hugh Grant trolls Sunset Strip for some sweet hooker action, I counted at least 6 shows that I want to go to this summer. The highlights would have to be Depeche Mode at the Hollywood Bowl, 311, u2, No Doubt, NIN/Jane's Addiction, and the rumored Blink-182/Green Day double-headlining show that is guaranteed to make every punk rock girl's pants damp from New York to California.
Now, I have seen a few of these bands play throughout my illustrious concert career. The first concert I ever went to was No Doubt on their Tragic Kingdom tour, and I still have naughty dreams about that show. Awesome. I've seen 311 live around 7 times, and they are probably my favorite live act to go watch along with The Roots and Foo Fighters. Great energy.
The main band that has eluded me for years has always been Depeche Mode. For whatever reason, I just have not been able to score tickets for their concerts. It's always a different story, one year I'm broke, the next year tickets are sold out before I can get online. I feel like the guys on "Detroit Rock City" where they are trying to score tickets to the KISS show and are forced to shake their weewee's for money, only to get shut out of the show until they beat each other up and lie to the bouncer that they were mugged.
This year, I am proud to say, will be my year to foil Depeche Mode and their pesky legion of ticket buying fans. My wife has a friend who is in the fan club and he has promised to buy my tickets for me. Now, I can wear all the guy-liner I want to along with my black mesh shirt and leather pants and I will fit right in with the trannies and goth kids that always go to those shows! Score! Double score!
And for anyone out there that does NOT have an economy-related money shortage, do yourself a favor and fly to Chicago for Lollapalooza this summer. The line-up is insane and the headliners include the aforementioned Depeche Mode, along with Beastie Boys, Jane's Addiction and the Kings of Leon. I wish fucking Coachella had that cool of a roster!
At any rate, even if you only have money for one show, make an effort to go. You will never be sorry you went and you will always have a story to tell afterwards. Like that time I went to see Metallica and my friend crapped his pants at the bowling alley right before the show.
Just kidding!
No, I'm not.

El Rey

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Give it a second spin

Here is a scenario for you:
You buy/borrow/"acquire" a new album that you have been waiting to get for some time. You are delirously excited to hear these sweet new jams, however, upon listening to your new album, you suddenly have a feeling in your stomach that is very similar to the time you ate an entire batch of macaroni and cheese while downing four tallboys of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Upset and having vomited all of your macaroni on your new BAPE jacket, you fling the cd from your player and you angrily vow "never to listen to that son of a bitch piece of midget crap album ever again!" And this time you really mean it.
But that isn't really ever the end of it, is it?
No folks, this time I'm not talking about that crappy Len album you bought in high school because you heard one good song and were tricked into thinking the whole cd would be good.
I'm talking about those albums that you absolutely HATED the first time you listened to them, but for some absurd reason, months or even years later, you gave it a second chance and realized that maybe it wasn't so bad.
Everyone's done it. Hell, some of my favorite albums are "second spin" albums. Remember the "Pinkerton" album by Weezer? Man, I couldn't stand that cd the first time I listened to it! I told everyone within earshot (basically everyone I rode the schoolbus with) that it was the worst thing since herpes and that you would probably become sterile if you listened to it more than 3 times. Well, I am here to tell you that I was wrong on both counts. Not only was it, and still is, an excellent album, but you will also NOT become sterile if you listen to it. In fact, I'm pretty sure it had the exact opposite, Bebe's kids effect on me, if you know what I'm sayin'. You know what I'm talkin' about, you sneaky guys! Moving on..
What I am trying to say is that it may be worth your while to go through some of your old cd's that you may not have given a fair shake the first time around and try them again. Just for old time's sake. You may be surprised at what you find.
Shit, you might even like that Milli Vanilli cd you've got!
I know, I know, who am I kidding, right?
You ALWAYS liked that Milli Vanilli cd! First listen love! You sick bastards.

El Rey
P.S. And no, this does not in any way, shape, or form, mean that I now like the new U2 album. It still blows dogs for quarters. End of story.