Sunday, March 22, 2009

Turnabouts Fair Play

Okay, so here is the scenario for my current tale of nastiness:
The wife and I took our son Max to the zoo for some quality animal gazing yesterday, and after staring at elephant crap for about 2 hours, I realized that I now had to take a dump. This becomes a problematic thing because the zoo is not the cleanest place to sit on a shitter and let the brown snakes fly, if you know what I mean.
So, I am forced to push the thought of squeezing a turd out to the back of my mind (and my colon!) and wait until we leave the zoo. Only, once we leave the zoo, we go shopping and eating on a main street that has no public restrooms. Zero.
Meanwhile, my ass is starting to get that same, pained feeling it gets whenever a Lifetime Original Movie comes on tv. So, I panic. I tell my wife that my shit is going to explode all over the car unless we get somewhere I can take a dump pronto. We pull over at a quaint little coffee shop that appears to have a public restroom, and I ran in there so fast that my wife finally got to see what I looked like before I was out of shape and overweight.
I completely destroyed that poor bathroom. I'm talking Hiroshima. It smelled so bad that I gagged myself a couple of times. And, as I walked out of the bathroom, I realized that there was someone waiting in line to use that bad boy. An old man that appeared very pleasant was patiently waiting his turn to use the men's room, and as he stepped into the restroom, I heard him very distinctly say," Oh motherfucker! That shit stinks worse than my balls!"
Or it was something very close to that. I may be paraphrasing.
At any rate, I felt bad for the guy. No one should have to walk into the trap that I had just laid. Only, as I started to think about it, how many times had that happened to me? How many times had I been the unassuming dupe that had walked into a land mine riddled men's room and gotten the stink face?
The answer is quite a few times. Quite a few times.
So there is the lesson, right? It's like leaving your clothes at a dry cleaners: You take some, you lose some. It's the law of the jungle.
Or the bathroom.

El Rey

No comments:

Post a Comment