Friday, September 25, 2009


I need to write more.
This is an official, ref with a whistle, fact.
Writing allows me some sort of relief from my mundane existence, although I imagine my problems amount to the same as every one else's mundance existence.
No money? Me neither.
Work at a job that makes you want to smash your head in with a watermelon like Gallagher? Join the club, brother.
My only problem is that instead of taking out my frustration on other people or yelling like a normal human being, I bottle it all up. That's how I roll. And yes, I'm aware that this is unhealthy. So I take to the keyboard and tell some jokes or stir up a spirited debate, it's how I'm wired. I find solace in solving other problems and mysteries of life, while my laundry list of complaints hang out on the line to dry. Welcome to the land of Rey. It ain't Oz.
For instance, a mystery that is completely unrelated to me is this:
Why don't more people worship The Replacements? (The band, not the movie. Wasn't sure if that warranted clarification.)
Anyways, what's the deal with that? Paul Westerberg is arguably one of the greatest songwriters of the last quarter century and he also makes me feel like he is talking about my life in a way that not very many musicians do. Take a great love song like "Can't Hardly Wait". The lyrics remind you of every first date or love of your life that you've had, and the bass line gets stuck in your head the instant that it starts. Plus, it doesn't hurt that there is an entire movie based around this song. Cue Ethan Embry's face. Or Jennifer Hewitt's boobs. Your pick.
I guess my solution to this problem is to tell you to download their greatest hits and if you like the songs (WHEN you like the songs!), go find some of their albums - like Pleased to Meet Me, and listen to them. Repeatedly. Especially if you've had a crappy day. They make me feel better about myself and I think they might do the same for you.
Now that I've addressed a problem that has nothing to do with me, I feel a little bit better. See, that's a healthy vent. Take that Dr. Phil.

El Rey

Friday, July 17, 2009

Cool no more

I used to be cool. Or at least I operated under the guise of "cool". But as the years go on, I feel my coolness waning. Let me explain.
My television watching habits used to consist of Dodger games, music video programming, and the graphic violence and language of HBO television. Pretty sweet, right? Well, since I've settled into fatherhood, my new television watching habits consist of The Penguins of Madagascar and the old Pink Panther cartoons that they show in constant rotation on Boomerang. This is a sad development. I am able to sneak in Dodger games while my son yells or after he falls asleep, but other than that, I've had to get my enjoyment from watching this retarded show called "Yo Gabba Gabba". I love it. My son doesn't even like it and I still make him watch it. It has a gay tracksuit wearing guy named DJ Lance on it and he dances around with a bunch of giant puppets to basically the coolest kids show soundtrack ever. Hell, it may be the coolest tv show soundtrack, period.
Now you may ask yourself," How lame can Rey be if this is his new favorite show?" And the answer is : Pretty lame.
But, it WAS created by the lead singer of the Aquabats, one of my favorite bands, and it DOES have the greatest celebrity guests besides Conan Obrien. What was the last kids show you watched that had Jack Black being an asshole on it and Chromeo and the Shins as the guest band? Exactly.
And an even lamer point about "Yo Gabba Gabba" is that the Chromeo performance of that timeless classic known as "Wash Your Hands" is like my favorite song of the year. Well, one of them. It is the funkiest shit on TV.
So while I may be uncool, at least I have the comfort of "Yo Gabba Gabba" to get me through the rough patches.
And I'm pretty sure this blog about uncoolness just turned into an infomercial for the decided very coolness of "Yo Gabba Gabba".
I am so strange.

El Rey

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Facebook and the usefullness of Cussing

At this point in time, everyone I know but my wife and penis have their own Facebook account. And it's okay that neither of them have joined the craze, seeing as how I hang out with both of them everyday, in one of their cases, literally "hanging out" all day.
You see, Facebook has replaced Myspace in the grown persons' world as a tool of communication between friends. Myspace is like the puberty version of Facebook, so everyone over the age of 21 has migrated to Facebook, which is supposedly more "adult".
Of course, Facebook is NOT more adult. In fact, for some reason, it seems like maybe the "adult" version of High School. I have basically added everyone I knew in high school to my friends list, with the ommission of a couple superchoads that I wanted to punch in the nards back then and probably would today also. My friends and I bullshit about entirely random stuff online, in between going to work and attending school. People get pissed off at each other, and instead of fighting like normal friends do, they delete the person from their friend list. This, of course, is the ultimate burn, to get "deleted". You've got to be a real slimeball to delete someone from your friends' list. Is this sounding at all childish and high school-like?
I thought so. And yet, I am addicted to it like the crack addicts that hang out behind the Shell station by my job. It is a fun way to keep in contact with people that live far away, and you are able to talk more shit to a person than normal, because well, it's online.
And that brings me to my second topic, which involves cussing.
It has recently come to my attention that I curse profusely and, in some instances, reference feces more than a standard guy is supposed to. I have been attempting to cut down on this, since I have a 2 year old around me that enjoys copying everything I do, including when I scratch my balls. But I am having a terrible time! I love to cuss. It makes everything sound funnier and more important.
For instance, if I were telling you that a new cd is good, would you be more prone to obtain the cd with this glowing endoresement: " That is a wonderful cd."
or this one: " That cd fuckin' kicks the balls out of me!"
Of course you would pick option 2. Here is another example: If I were asking you to share a donut with me, would you rather I ask you this way: " Might I please have a donut?"
or this way: " Give me one of those sweet ass mutha fuckin' donuts please!"
Redundant right? Everyone picks option 2. My point is made. Everything sounds better with cussing.
I suppose it will remain a work in progress.
Until next time - Mutha Fuckin' Peace Out!!

El Rey

Monday, May 4, 2009


A few days ago, I received some extraordinarily terrible news. A wonderful person and friend of mine, Jill St. Onge, had passed away suddenly while traveling in Thailand. This is something that greatly saddened me and I supposed that the only thing I could do would be to write something about Jill.
I've had a case of writer's block for the past couple of weeks, hence the lack of new blog activity here, but I have been flooded with memories and funny stories involving Jill throughout my high school career and my friendship with her during those times. In high school, and for a couple of years afterwards, I had a couple of different crews that I hung out with. I had the "Dude" crew, which consisted of my retarded guy buddies and generally involved lots of noogies and alcohol, and I had my "Girl" crew. Now, most guys don't get a Girl crew to hang out with, but for some cool reason, I was very lucky to have a crew of ladies that I considered my buddies. And we did pretty much any sort of cool activites that you can think of together. We went to every concert imaginable, hung out, and basically had an awesome time every day.
Jill was one of the girls in my Crew, and she was about as kick-ass of a person as I had ever met. She knew about all kinds of music, so right away we decided to be pals. She helped me organize senior parking lot dances before school, where we would skank to the rudest ska known to man before school started.
Jill also, for some odd reason, thought that I would do very cool things in this world, including becoming a famous radio dj. She went so far as naming me DJ Reynaldo (very witty) and making me my own cd's to distribute as a graduation present. I always thought that was the coolest thing ever and hopefully, she knew that.
Anyways, I suck at tributes, but I wanted to everyone to know that Jill was awesome, if they didn't already know.
I lost one of my crew, but I know Jill is still listening to that beautiful ska beat in the sky.

El Rey

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

New Music and Musings

In the 2 weeks since my last post, I have:

(a) Become a mutant blessed with the gift of flight

(b) Learned the Secret of Nimh

(c) Got my first pubes


(d) Lost five pounds by shitting my brain out with the flu

If you guessed (d) the flu, you win a lifetime supply of Beanie Babies, courtesy of my weird brother-in-law!
But seriously, don't get the flu. It changes how you look at a toilet. Forever.
Moving on, there is an insane amount of music that is available for your listening pleasure right now, so I thought I'd highlight a few of my current favorites in the hopes that you might check something new out.
1. Silversun Pickups - Swoon
The second album by these Southern California favorites is, in my opinion, even better than their first album. They continue to use the quiet/loud approach, following the blueprint that bands like The Pixies and,later, The Smashing Pumpkins perfected over thier illustrious careers. But they have their own sound as well, creating dreamy landscapes before rocking your balls off with their fuzzed-out choruses. Please check this album out and sample their new single," Panic Switch" at

2. Depeche Mode - Sounds of the Universe

By now, you'd think that you know what a Depeche Mode record is going to sound like. Big, sweeping synths with a little bit of guitar. Dave Gahan's robotically soulful voice. Lots of memorable choruses. And you would be right to think that this album has got all of those things, because it does. In spades. But it's also much less predicatable sounding than the last few records that the Mode boys have released. The beats are set to different tempos, Martin Gore sings back-up quite a bit more than he usually does, and there are about 5 remixes for every song circulating the internet right now. And all of these things are wonderful, by the way. This is one of the best albums Depeche Mode has put out since their classic,"Violator". Give it a spin and see what you think.

3. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

Rocks out with some punchy guitars and just the slightest bit of synth, French-style. Awesome album.

Also keep an eye out for new albums by 311, eels, Incubus, dredg, Gary Numan, AIR, Green Day, Wolfmother, and Fischerspooner. All of these bands will be dropping in the next couple of months, so be ready for plenty of sweet jams this summer.

Until next time,

El Rey

Saturday, March 28, 2009

What's Hip?

In my neverending quest to stay cool throughout the years, I've given many things a try and have even been decently successful at a few. Some of my fads were (and probably in this order):

- I tried, and basically succeeded, at wearing Hammer pants to school almost every day that I was in the 4th grade. - I also believed that I was the third member of the legendary rap duo known as Kris Kross. This made taking a leak problematic since all of my clothes were now worn backwards.

- I pioneered a new look at my school by getting a state-of-the-art haircut that was named "The Step". This revolutionary haircut is now more commonly known as a "Mushroom" or "Bowl" cut, and is generally the basis for all laughing now done at my expense when the family gets together and looks at old photographs. Curse you, Rider Strong from Boy Meets World! Curse you! - I had a case full of pogs that was housed in basically the tallest waterbong that anyone had ever seen. Amazing that pog companies got away with that design. It was a 6 foot tall tube that I used to intimidate my opponents before I played them. Man, if pogs was a real sport, I'm pretty sure I could have turned pro. Sigh.

-I had a life-size poster of Jenny McCarthy on my room wall, and while I'm not quite sure if this is a fad, my palms were just as sore as every other fifteen year-old boy with that poster in his room.

- I convinced all of my friends that Spacehog and The Verve Pipe were going to be HUGE one day. Instead, their albums lay dormant at the bottom of every discount bin any record stores have to offer. Sadly, I still like both of those bands.

- I tried to learn how to swing dance because I was convinced that it was the wave of the future. Even though it was really the wave of the past. That came back to the future. And then left. Huh?

- I tried out to be a VJ for MTV during a VJ search and I actually made it pretty far. Then I met Carson Daly and decided that if I was ever that big of an assclown, I would let a midget kick me in the junk. Still midget-free to this day, I'd like to add. I am also still money-free and not famous. Go figure.

- I recently activated a Twitter account. I hate it. I can't figure out how to reply and if you are someones' friend, they don't have to be yours. So the only person I have following my Tweets is a Shaquille O'neal Casino? I don't even know what that is!

I suppose there is no moral to this post, but it sure was fun remembering how much of a jack-ass I am, right?

El Rey

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Am I the only one....

Am I the only one who......

....listens to hip hop while driving at night because I find it super relaxing?
....comes up with the best ideas of all time while I'm taking a dump?
....uses Winnie The Pooh cartoons to trick my son into eating lunch?
....downloads way more music than he can possibly listen to, including bands he's never heard of?
....thinks comic book authors are pretty much the smartest writers around?
....wishes John Cusack and Nic Cage would ditch the action movies and make something cool again?
....wishes he had more money? Like rob a bank money?
....wants to make sure no one can ever use an Auto-Tuner to make music ever again?
....thinks the Dodgers should sign Pedro Martinez to be their 5th starter already? tired of reading about Chris Brown and Rihanna? Jeez!
....needs like 5 cups of coffee a day?
....wants to write about music and comedy for a living?
....thinks the new Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is really funny?
....that believes the whole "big feet, big dong" myth is a hoax created by a guy with big feet and a little dong?
....that wants to move to the Bay Area but doesn't have enough money yet?
....has a wife that should have been a comedian? ass at fixing stuff?
....likes creating his own lists?

Now you think of one!

El Rey

Turnabouts Fair Play

Okay, so here is the scenario for my current tale of nastiness:
The wife and I took our son Max to the zoo for some quality animal gazing yesterday, and after staring at elephant crap for about 2 hours, I realized that I now had to take a dump. This becomes a problematic thing because the zoo is not the cleanest place to sit on a shitter and let the brown snakes fly, if you know what I mean.
So, I am forced to push the thought of squeezing a turd out to the back of my mind (and my colon!) and wait until we leave the zoo. Only, once we leave the zoo, we go shopping and eating on a main street that has no public restrooms. Zero.
Meanwhile, my ass is starting to get that same, pained feeling it gets whenever a Lifetime Original Movie comes on tv. So, I panic. I tell my wife that my shit is going to explode all over the car unless we get somewhere I can take a dump pronto. We pull over at a quaint little coffee shop that appears to have a public restroom, and I ran in there so fast that my wife finally got to see what I looked like before I was out of shape and overweight.
I completely destroyed that poor bathroom. I'm talking Hiroshima. It smelled so bad that I gagged myself a couple of times. And, as I walked out of the bathroom, I realized that there was someone waiting in line to use that bad boy. An old man that appeared very pleasant was patiently waiting his turn to use the men's room, and as he stepped into the restroom, I heard him very distinctly say," Oh motherfucker! That shit stinks worse than my balls!"
Or it was something very close to that. I may be paraphrasing.
At any rate, I felt bad for the guy. No one should have to walk into the trap that I had just laid. Only, as I started to think about it, how many times had that happened to me? How many times had I been the unassuming dupe that had walked into a land mine riddled men's room and gotten the stink face?
The answer is quite a few times. Quite a few times.
So there is the lesson, right? It's like leaving your clothes at a dry cleaners: You take some, you lose some. It's the law of the jungle.
Or the bathroom.

El Rey

Friday, March 13, 2009

Summer Concert Series

Every year, there are generally a few kick-ass concerts I want to go see, as well as the obligatory shit-fests like the Rock Star Mayhem Tour and Motley Crue's touring carnival of feces. This year is no different. Yesterday, as I was trolling Ticketmaster like Hugh Grant trolls Sunset Strip for some sweet hooker action, I counted at least 6 shows that I want to go to this summer. The highlights would have to be Depeche Mode at the Hollywood Bowl, 311, u2, No Doubt, NIN/Jane's Addiction, and the rumored Blink-182/Green Day double-headlining show that is guaranteed to make every punk rock girl's pants damp from New York to California.
Now, I have seen a few of these bands play throughout my illustrious concert career. The first concert I ever went to was No Doubt on their Tragic Kingdom tour, and I still have naughty dreams about that show. Awesome. I've seen 311 live around 7 times, and they are probably my favorite live act to go watch along with The Roots and Foo Fighters. Great energy.
The main band that has eluded me for years has always been Depeche Mode. For whatever reason, I just have not been able to score tickets for their concerts. It's always a different story, one year I'm broke, the next year tickets are sold out before I can get online. I feel like the guys on "Detroit Rock City" where they are trying to score tickets to the KISS show and are forced to shake their weewee's for money, only to get shut out of the show until they beat each other up and lie to the bouncer that they were mugged.
This year, I am proud to say, will be my year to foil Depeche Mode and their pesky legion of ticket buying fans. My wife has a friend who is in the fan club and he has promised to buy my tickets for me. Now, I can wear all the guy-liner I want to along with my black mesh shirt and leather pants and I will fit right in with the trannies and goth kids that always go to those shows! Score! Double score!
And for anyone out there that does NOT have an economy-related money shortage, do yourself a favor and fly to Chicago for Lollapalooza this summer. The line-up is insane and the headliners include the aforementioned Depeche Mode, along with Beastie Boys, Jane's Addiction and the Kings of Leon. I wish fucking Coachella had that cool of a roster!
At any rate, even if you only have money for one show, make an effort to go. You will never be sorry you went and you will always have a story to tell afterwards. Like that time I went to see Metallica and my friend crapped his pants at the bowling alley right before the show.
Just kidding!
No, I'm not.

El Rey

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Give it a second spin

Here is a scenario for you:
You buy/borrow/"acquire" a new album that you have been waiting to get for some time. You are delirously excited to hear these sweet new jams, however, upon listening to your new album, you suddenly have a feeling in your stomach that is very similar to the time you ate an entire batch of macaroni and cheese while downing four tallboys of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Upset and having vomited all of your macaroni on your new BAPE jacket, you fling the cd from your player and you angrily vow "never to listen to that son of a bitch piece of midget crap album ever again!" And this time you really mean it.
But that isn't really ever the end of it, is it?
No folks, this time I'm not talking about that crappy Len album you bought in high school because you heard one good song and were tricked into thinking the whole cd would be good.
I'm talking about those albums that you absolutely HATED the first time you listened to them, but for some absurd reason, months or even years later, you gave it a second chance and realized that maybe it wasn't so bad.
Everyone's done it. Hell, some of my favorite albums are "second spin" albums. Remember the "Pinkerton" album by Weezer? Man, I couldn't stand that cd the first time I listened to it! I told everyone within earshot (basically everyone I rode the schoolbus with) that it was the worst thing since herpes and that you would probably become sterile if you listened to it more than 3 times. Well, I am here to tell you that I was wrong on both counts. Not only was it, and still is, an excellent album, but you will also NOT become sterile if you listen to it. In fact, I'm pretty sure it had the exact opposite, Bebe's kids effect on me, if you know what I'm sayin'. You know what I'm talkin' about, you sneaky guys! Moving on..
What I am trying to say is that it may be worth your while to go through some of your old cd's that you may not have given a fair shake the first time around and try them again. Just for old time's sake. You may be surprised at what you find.
Shit, you might even like that Milli Vanilli cd you've got!
I know, I know, who am I kidding, right?
You ALWAYS liked that Milli Vanilli cd! First listen love! You sick bastards.

El Rey
P.S. And no, this does not in any way, shape, or form, mean that I now like the new U2 album. It still blows dogs for quarters. End of story.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Bands Reunited

Have you ever suddenly realized that you are getting old? You know what I'm talking about. One day you are checking out your buff pecks and chiseled chin in the mirror, and seemingly overnight, you are buying a man bra for yourself and trying to figure out why your face now resembles Starr Jones' ass. Oh sure, it starts out innocently enough. It's cute right now when your lady finds a gray hair, but how is she going to feel when you look like Michael McDonald's mutant stepbrother? Or remember how you thought you were going to be the cool guy who would shave his head if he ever started to go bald, but when the time came, you decided to keep the skullet instead? And, worst of all, due to all of those years of partying on Prince's yacht, your face now has more wrinkles than Sheryl Crow's arms!
Folks, these are the thoughts that have been running through my head ever since I recieved an invitation to my 10-year high school reunion a couple of days ago. This was my first sign that I may someday be getting old. I mean, I look pretty much the same, not accounting for my hobo-like weight gain and new, Eskimo-round face. But what is everyone else going to look like? I have this running scenario in my head that my whole reunion will consist of me and John Cusack killing a deadly assassin in the school hallways and then burning his body in the furnace room.
Wait a minute, I just described the entire plot to the movie Grosse Point Blank. Oops, that John Cusack is a rascal! Always popping up in my day dreams! Moving on...
So I guess what I'm trying to say is: Where did all the time go?
I don't feel any older, in fact, I feel nerdier than I did in high school sometimes. I still collect comic books. I still listen to crazy amounts of music. And I still make my friends ask my wife out on dates for me. Well, not really on the last part, but that is how I originally got her to go out on our first date. Sucker!
But I have decided that I am going to attend this so-called "Reunion" in July. I was part of that Romy and Michelle's B-Squad in high school, so I don't really have any enemies and I had a fair amount of friends. I have an insane desire to see if everyone turned out the way they planned or if they became crazy Meth addicts that were extras on the Knight Rider remake. Either way, it should make for an interesting weekend. And my wife can see me do the Tootsie Roll with my retarded friends! Yes!
Yosemite High 4 Life! Suck it!

El Rey

Sunday, February 22, 2009

80's Video of the Day

Missing Persons- Destination unknown
Video sent by Electric_Eye

Here is some random Missing Persons for all of you! I'm pretty sure that I would need to be on Shrooms to understand what this is about, but "Destination Unknown" is still a rad song. Enjoy!
El Rey

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dance Jam of the Day!

Ladyhawke - Paris Is Burning
This is the new video by Ladyhawke, who is a kick ass band from New Zealand that brings back the funky side of new wave. Check it out and enjoy!
El Rey

U2 just made my butt hurt...

So there I was, excited as hell, racing home from work today because I read the news that I had been waiting months for: The new U2 album had leaked!
"Awwwwwww shit!" I yelled to myself, barely containing the boner I had as I thought about just how good this new album would be and where it would stack up compared to their other albums. Would it be a return to the alt-rock electro sound of Achtung Baby and Zooropa? Would it be a stripped-down rock affair like their last two albums? Or would it maybe even be a throw-back to their classic 80's albums, Boy and War?
I didn't know, but I was about to find out.
When I got home and told my wife to get out of the way because I was going to *ahem* obtain the new U2 album, she started to laugh at me. I asked her what the hell was so funny and she proceeded to tell me that Perez Hilton, of all people, had reviewed the album and said "it sucks".
WHAT?! Man, fuck Perez Hilton, I told her. This is the same little bastard who thinks Lady Gaga is the second coming of Madonna, and he is going to tell me that the new U2 sucks? I would say that he sucks, but that isn't much of a burn since he does.
Anyways, I downloaded the album and then I listened to it from front to back, without any interruptions.
Only, Perez was right. This album does suck. Bad.
And I started second-guessing myself. Was it me? Maybe I didn't listen hard enough. Maybe it's one of those brilliant albums that takes you two or three years to really get into.
But folks, I'm not that dumb. This is the biggest piece of shit U2 has ever committed to tape. This is worse than the mullet Bono had in the 80's AND that time the Edge sang lead vocals. Half of this thing sounds like slow choir music and the other half sounds like Bono has taken up residence with a pack of howler monkeys and adopted their version of singing. The melodies alone make me cringe worse than Joe Cocker when he sings "A Little Help From My Friends". And I will have you know that I've taken a shit three times since I first listened to the album, hence the title to this blog.
I'm not proud of this. I love U2. But, I would be a lousy critic if I told you to go out and buy "No Line On The Horizon." Because I won't be doing that, at least, not when I can turn around with the same $15 bucks and go buy some paint to huff so I can get that fucking album out of my mind.

El Rey

MC Hammer - Pumps in a Bump

MC Hammer - Pumps in a Bump
This is pretty much the most hilarious video of all time. Props goes to Pedro for blessing my workplace with this soft-core porn of a Hammer video. Note the monstrous boner he dances around with for most of the video, as well as the fact that he plays dominos in a speedo while all of his friends have clothes on. I'm pretty sure the director of this video was a dude......who liked dudes.
El Rey

Friday, February 13, 2009

I'm Totally Gay For My Wife!

Alright, now most of you who read my blog like to laugh at the scathing iceburn insults I use to slap down celebrities and non-celebrities with each and every day. And while I completely appreciate that and will continue to do my best to make you laugh, you might want to stop reading right now because this post is going to be a little different.
You see, sometimes when you are married, it gets tough to think of new and exciting ways to surprise your spouse with romantic gestures. So this Valentine's Day, I have decided to sprinkle some love on the internet with some viral blogging.
My wife is a wonderful woman. Most of the time, I have no idea why she decided to go out with me in the first place, much less marry me! I'm pretty sure the joke was on her, due to the fact that I have some pretty terrible qualities. I've decided to list some of those qualities so that my reading public knows what the wife has to deal with.
1. I am extremely lazy.
This is evidenced my lack of a workout routine and horrible dedication to my diet. I currently resemble the fat version of Chino from the Deftones, but in about 10 years, I will probably look like Arnold from Happy Days. That's gotta be rough to live with.
2.I am a super nerd.
I've got a comic book collection bigger than most small town libraries, I listen to/download/talk about music non-stop (much of which she doesn't really listen to, but attempts to for me), I spend most of my free time writing on the computer, and my all-time favorite show is Quantum Leap. If I had joined a fraternity, the only one that would have accepted me would have been Lamda Lamda Lamda.
3. I am the worst handy-man. Ever.
Yep, this one hurts. I pretty much have to call her dad every time I need something fixed or installed. I have literally no idea what to do with most of my toolbox, which my dad had to put together for me. I am almost certain I have an honorary vagina due to my terrible handy-man status.
So...pretty terrible,right? How the hell does she put up with me?
Well, I've got a pretty short list for this one. It goes something like this:
1. I am still crazy in love with her, Beyonce and Jay-Z style.
2. I cook a mean Hot Pocket.
3. My junk is better than average.
There you have it! A marraige made in heaven, thanks in no small part to my wife putting up with my shenanigans.
So thank you baby. And Happy Valentine's Day.

P.S. Visit my facebook and myspace pages for alternate stories and tributes. This shit is just getting started!

El Rey

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Great White Dope

When I ended my last blog, I encouraged the 3 people that read my rants to think of any other bands they would be excited to see get back together. I also said, and I quote(myself), "If you say Limp Bizkit, you will be deader to me than Fredo was to Michael Corleone."
Well folks, as the bathroom walls always tell me, the joke was in my hand. Figuratively, of course. Because, when I woke up today, my worst fears were realized.
The Bizkit is back.
And not just a little bit back. We are talking full scale reunion back. Full tour, new album, all the original heshers, I mean members. You know - the works.
But just as I was about to kill myself with the same chocolate enema they used on 2 Girls and a Cup, I realized something.
This could be the best thing that has ever happened to our country.
This could be the economic stimulus that President Obama has been waiting for.
Because if Limp Bizkit is back, it's only going to mean one thing: The Bro's are back too.
Now, before I go any further, I need to explain something. It's true that for a number of years, I have had a longstanding beef with the lead singer of Limp Bizkit, a Mr. Fred Durst.
I think Fred Durst is the biggest cock holster this side of the Andes. But that doesn't mean I won't give him credit where credit is due. By being a cocksure poser who wrote horrific rap/metal songs, he was able to touch an entire generation of young men in a way the Catholic church has never been able to. He gave them a voice. They felt as if he was one of them.
So, they started to assume his identity as if it were their own.
First, it was just a backwards hat, but pretty soon these young men were totally different people. They worked out all the time. They listened to the type of loud, obnoxious rap and rock music that nobody who actually enjoyed music would be caught dead listening to. They drove trucks and attatched balls to them, partially due to the fact that they had none.
And this was how the "Bro" was born.
And in the year 2001, when Wes Borland left a then-firing on all mind-control cylinders Limp Bizkit, every Bro in America cried himself to sleep. And the American economy took a nosedive faster than Chris Brown.
Until now.
As I am writing this, Bro's all over America are waking up from their grief inflicted comas and are hearing the news that their saviors are getting back together. And as they hear this news, they are already revving up those monster truck engines and preparing to ride one more time to that cockfest they call a Family Values Tour concert, which Limp Bizkit will once again be headlining. Bro's will come from miles away and pay obscene amounts of money to recapture their youth and once again hear timeless classics, such as "Nookie" and "Break Stuff".
Yes, classics that will no doubt be spoken in the same breath as "Stairway to Heaven" and "Unforgettable" one day, far in the future.
So President Obama, cancel that stimulus plan. We won't need the money.
No, now that the Bro's are back with all their steroid pumped cash, the economy is gonna be just fine.
Thank you Fred Durst. Thank you for bringing the Bro's back out of hiding.
You motherfucker.

El Rey

Sunday, February 8, 2009

2009 is the new 1999!

Yes! Like Meatloaf and Celine Dion, it's all coming back to me now. In a move that happens more or less every year now, some very kick-ass bands have decided to reunite to tour the world and/or make a new album. The interesting twist to this years' batch of Bands Reunited is that they were all hugely popular when your pal El Rey was about 20 pounds lighter and copping his first feelsky on the opposite sex.
So naturally, I am on pins and needles to see if these reunions have what it takes to go the distance, or if they are going to crash and burn faster than the Led Zeppelin reunion.
The biggest bands getting back together out of this bunch are, of course:

Chumbawumba, 4 Non Blondes, and Right Said Fred.

Hell yeah,right?

Just fucking with you guys. Maybe.

The ACTUAL bands to watch this year will be Blink-182 and No Doubt, with a couple minor bands like Third Eye Blind and Superdrag throwing their hats in the ring as well.
Can Blink co-exist? That is a damn good question considering that for the larger part of 5 years Tom Delonge has had his head stuck up his ass, Travis Barker almost died, and Mark Hoppus has a successful producing/internet radio career going on. But these guys were friends for a long time before they threw in the towel, so who knows? Maybe it will all work out. What I DO know is that my dork gets a tingly sensation just thinking about some new music from these guys, so we've got that going for us.
And can I get a "Hell Yeah!" to Gwen Stefani giving up her retardedly shitty solo career to go back to the band that put her on the map? Fuck! Her solo career was so bad that every time "The Sweet Escape" would come on the radio, I'd get a raging pain in my stomach and have to drop deuce. So thank you to No Doubt, your reunion will, if nothing else, save my wallet and ass the expense of Preparation H.

Just as a conversation starter, who else do you guys think should reunite from the Class of 1999?
And if you say Limp Bizkit, you are deader to me than Fredo was to Michael Corleone.

El Rey

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Nothing But A Good Time

Every year as the weather changes and the leaves start turning different colors, a feeling comes over me that I just can't explain. It's a primal urge that makes me feel like a caveman trying to start fire. An urge to run wild. An urge to gather. An urge to HUNT.

And when I say hunt, I'm not talking about moose or caribou. No, there is only one thing that gives me the satisfaction of the chase and capture that I so desperately crave. The flowing hair, the delicate features, the mustaches. What?
"Mustaches?", you say? You mean you thought I was talking about girls? Hell no fools, I'm married!
No, I'm talking about hunting that rarest of breeds, the only animal that is truly untamable:

The Mullet!

Yes my friends, this time every year I become obsessed with that all-too familiar hobby known as Mullet Hunting. You just can't beat going to the park with your family, or going out on a date with your significant other, and seeing grown men with haircuts that would make Larry and Balki from Perfect Strangers blush.
I especially like those entreprenurial parents who decide that it's not enough for the husband and wife to have mullets, but they decide that all of their kids need this ass-kicking cut as well.


There are a number of different mullet classifications and styles, too many to list actually. But, my personal favorite has always been known as the "Midgi-Mullet". This is a mullet that just happens to be worn by a little person, also known lovingly as a midget.

I know that some of you may be asking yourselves,"Well, if El Rey loves mullets so much, why doesn't he have one?"

That is a completely valid question and here is your answer:

El Rey wants to have sex with someone other than his hand.

Happy Mullet Hunting!

El Rey

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Who IS this guy?

Are you kidding me? WHAT THE FUCK! Who IS this guy? Did Urkel get a new show that I'm unaware of? THIS is what Weezy F. Baby has come to? What happened to the guy below that used to be in my top 5 rappers lists before people had even jumped onto his testicles?
Please come back Lil Wayne. I love rock and roll. In fact, it's my number one love, besides my family and my balls. But, in no way should you be taking a foray into this genre. Your singing voice is attrocious, in fact, I think it's actually made WORSE by your flagrant misuse of the auto-tune. And you are aware that you are markedly better at rhyming than all but a handful of rappers, right? So go do what you do best and leave the shitty crossover rock to Fred Durst and Tommy Lee.
And who knows? Maybe Fresh will give you a nasty beat and you and the Hot Boyz will get back together and re-take over the world.
Riiiiiiiight. And maybe this blogger will become a millionaire and wake up swimming in his own feces,money, and coke.
El Rey

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Get This New Pumpkins Jam

Go grab the new Smashing Pumpkins track,"FOL", which debuted during the Super Bowl.

It's a totally free download, all you need to do is enter your email and an mp3 link pops right up.

The track is a balls-out rocker that clocks in right around 3:00 minutes or so, and it has an instantly memorable hook.

Don't say I never did anything for you. Young!

El Rey

Super Snooze

So, as I was getting ready for work this morning while all of my degenerate friends were stocking up on pretzels and booze for today's game, I came to a realization: I could give two left nuts about the Super Bowl.
Yeah, I said it. You try watching that horse-shit game every year while your favorite team sits at home drinking milk and knitting sweaters because they suck donkey balls. It sucks.
Stupid Super Bowl.

Well, at least Chuck comes back tomorrow. And spring training starts in 2 weeks! Dodgers what!

El Rey

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Cut the Mullet, Mr. West.

I'm sorry, did I miss the new Billy-Ray Cyrus memo that went around the Rocafella office last month?
What the fuck is Kanye doing with that Teen Wolf mullet he has been quietly cultivating? Is he auditioning to be in the new Mad Max: Even More Beyond the Thunderdome movie? Is he taking part in a Ready For The World reunion that I’ve never heard of? (RFTW is an 80’s dance group, btw.) And, maybe most importantly, does he ever want women to play with his ding-dong again?
These are the questions I need answered from Mr. West, because I haven’t seen sideburns missing in action that long since the last House Party movie.
C'mon pal.
Eazy-E just called. He said he wants his hair back.

El Rey


Okay, I know that some of you may be asking yourselves, "What the fuck is a Dobler?"
Well, a Dobler is my reference to the character of Lloyd Dobler, played to perfection by John Cusack in the movie Say Anything. For the weirdos that haven't seen, nay, haven't even HEARD of Say Anything, please go rent it. It will help you understand why I call my blog the Dobler Effect.
You see, when I was a young buck, I thought that Lloyd Dobler was the cat's pajamas. He listened to the Clash and Red Hot Chili Peppers. He was a professional kickboxer. And he was a professional romantic who didn't mind having his ass kicked by love. He was the epitome of cool, and he didn't even think he was cool, which made him 5x cooler.
Lloyd got dumped on by the girl he loved, he got dumped on by the rich people who never thought he would amount to anything, and he got dumped on by his own friends who thought that he aimed too high. The cool thing was, Lloyd believed in himself and good things always happened to him because of it.
So when I was in high school, I invented a phrase for Lloyd called "The Dobler Effect", which basically said, anytime something good happens, it's due to "The Dobler Effect". If a girl goes out with you, if you got tickets to a rad concert, if you get a promotion at work, you can thank Lloyd Dobler. Lloyd Dobler is so cool that, by extension of watching him be cool, you become cool too. And since good things happen to Lloyd Dobler, if you believe in his cool, good things will happen to you as well.
Hence, "The Dobler Effect".
So there you go kids. Go watch you some Say Anything and prepare for good things to happen.
Oh, and read my blog. Also known as "The Dobler Effect".
Because if you read this blog, you will inherit a mystical sea pony.

El Rey

Welcome To My New Blog!

Hey little rockers! Welcome to the Dobler Effect. :)

I started this blog to basically rant about all of the things that I love and hate about popular culture. And when I say popular culture, I mean popular NERD culture. My posts will usually include varied topics such as : Music, comics, sports, movies, books, and mullets. Maybe little people as well. I like little people, they rock balls.
Anyways, if that at all sounds rad to you, please stay tuned. This site will be updated daily, maybe even more frequently if the urge hits me.
Prepare for some science to be dropped on you, homies!

El Rey