Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Great White Dope

When I ended my last blog, I encouraged the 3 people that read my rants to think of any other bands they would be excited to see get back together. I also said, and I quote(myself), "If you say Limp Bizkit, you will be deader to me than Fredo was to Michael Corleone."
Well folks, as the bathroom walls always tell me, the joke was in my hand. Figuratively, of course. Because, when I woke up today, my worst fears were realized.
The Bizkit is back.
And not just a little bit back. We are talking full scale reunion back. Full tour, new album, all the original heshers, I mean members. You know - the works.
But just as I was about to kill myself with the same chocolate enema they used on 2 Girls and a Cup, I realized something.
This could be the best thing that has ever happened to our country.
This could be the economic stimulus that President Obama has been waiting for.
Because if Limp Bizkit is back, it's only going to mean one thing: The Bro's are back too.
Now, before I go any further, I need to explain something. It's true that for a number of years, I have had a longstanding beef with the lead singer of Limp Bizkit, a Mr. Fred Durst.
I think Fred Durst is the biggest cock holster this side of the Andes. But that doesn't mean I won't give him credit where credit is due. By being a cocksure poser who wrote horrific rap/metal songs, he was able to touch an entire generation of young men in a way the Catholic church has never been able to. He gave them a voice. They felt as if he was one of them.
So, they started to assume his identity as if it were their own.
First, it was just a backwards hat, but pretty soon these young men were totally different people. They worked out all the time. They listened to the type of loud, obnoxious rap and rock music that nobody who actually enjoyed music would be caught dead listening to. They drove trucks and attatched balls to them, partially due to the fact that they had none.
And this was how the "Bro" was born.
And in the year 2001, when Wes Borland left a then-firing on all mind-control cylinders Limp Bizkit, every Bro in America cried himself to sleep. And the American economy took a nosedive faster than Chris Brown.
Until now.
As I am writing this, Bro's all over America are waking up from their grief inflicted comas and are hearing the news that their saviors are getting back together. And as they hear this news, they are already revving up those monster truck engines and preparing to ride one more time to that cockfest they call a Family Values Tour concert, which Limp Bizkit will once again be headlining. Bro's will come from miles away and pay obscene amounts of money to recapture their youth and once again hear timeless classics, such as "Nookie" and "Break Stuff".
Yes, classics that will no doubt be spoken in the same breath as "Stairway to Heaven" and "Unforgettable" one day, far in the future.
So President Obama, cancel that stimulus plan. We won't need the money.
No, now that the Bro's are back with all their steroid pumped cash, the economy is gonna be just fine.
Thank you Fred Durst. Thank you for bringing the Bro's back out of hiding.
You motherfucker.

El Rey


  1. I hear that Wes said no to joining the "reunion" tour... The only thing I'll give them some credit for was 3 dollar bill.. After that I lost all interest... Oh, and I like the 2girls1cup reference... WTF is that??? Ice Cream?

  2. Yeah, like chocolate butt ice cream! Ha!