Wednesday, February 18, 2009

U2 just made my butt hurt...

So there I was, excited as hell, racing home from work today because I read the news that I had been waiting months for: The new U2 album had leaked!
"Awwwwwww shit!" I yelled to myself, barely containing the boner I had as I thought about just how good this new album would be and where it would stack up compared to their other albums. Would it be a return to the alt-rock electro sound of Achtung Baby and Zooropa? Would it be a stripped-down rock affair like their last two albums? Or would it maybe even be a throw-back to their classic 80's albums, Boy and War?
I didn't know, but I was about to find out.
When I got home and told my wife to get out of the way because I was going to *ahem* obtain the new U2 album, she started to laugh at me. I asked her what the hell was so funny and she proceeded to tell me that Perez Hilton, of all people, had reviewed the album and said "it sucks".
WHAT?! Man, fuck Perez Hilton, I told her. This is the same little bastard who thinks Lady Gaga is the second coming of Madonna, and he is going to tell me that the new U2 sucks? I would say that he sucks, but that isn't much of a burn since he does.
Anyways, I downloaded the album and then I listened to it from front to back, without any interruptions.
Only, Perez was right. This album does suck. Bad.
And I started second-guessing myself. Was it me? Maybe I didn't listen hard enough. Maybe it's one of those brilliant albums that takes you two or three years to really get into.
But folks, I'm not that dumb. This is the biggest piece of shit U2 has ever committed to tape. This is worse than the mullet Bono had in the 80's AND that time the Edge sang lead vocals. Half of this thing sounds like slow choir music and the other half sounds like Bono has taken up residence with a pack of howler monkeys and adopted their version of singing. The melodies alone make me cringe worse than Joe Cocker when he sings "A Little Help From My Friends". And I will have you know that I've taken a shit three times since I first listened to the album, hence the title to this blog.
I'm not proud of this. I love U2. But, I would be a lousy critic if I told you to go out and buy "No Line On The Horizon." Because I won't be doing that, at least, not when I can turn around with the same $15 bucks and go buy some paint to huff so I can get that fucking album out of my mind.

El Rey

1 comment:

  1. whenever I think of Bono nowadays, I think of the essay that Chuck Klosterman wrote about Bono for Spin back in 2004.