Alright, now most of you who read my blog like to laugh at the scathing iceburn insults I use to slap down celebrities and non-celebrities with each and every day. And while I completely appreciate that and will continue to do my best to make you laugh, you might want to stop reading right now because this post is going to be a little different.
You see, sometimes when you are married, it gets tough to think of new and exciting ways to surprise your spouse with romantic gestures. So this Valentine's Day, I have decided to sprinkle some love on the internet with some viral blogging.
My wife is a wonderful woman. Most of the time, I have no idea why she decided to go out with me in the first place, much less marry me! I'm pretty sure the joke was on her, due to the fact that I have some pretty terrible qualities. I've decided to list some of those qualities so that my reading public knows what the wife has to deal with.
1. I am extremely lazy.
This is evidenced my lack of a workout routine and horrible dedication to my diet. I currently resemble the fat version of Chino from the Deftones, but in about 10 years, I will probably look like Arnold from Happy Days. That's gotta be rough to live with.
2.I am a super nerd.
I've got a comic book collection bigger than most small town libraries, I listen to/download/talk about music non-stop (much of which she doesn't really listen to, but attempts to for me), I spend most of my free time writing on the computer, and my all-time favorite show is Quantum Leap. If I had joined a fraternity, the only one that would have accepted me would have been Lamda Lamda Lamda.
3. I am the worst handy-man. Ever.
Yep, this one hurts. I pretty much have to call her dad every time I need something fixed or installed. I have literally no idea what to do with most of my toolbox, which my dad had to put together for me. I am almost certain I have an honorary vagina due to my terrible handy-man status.
So...pretty terrible,right? How the hell does she put up with me?
Well, I've got a pretty short list for this one. It goes something like this:
1. I am still crazy in love with her, Beyonce and Jay-Z style.
2. I cook a mean Hot Pocket.
3. My junk is better than average.
There you have it! A marraige made in heaven, thanks in no small part to my wife putting up with my shenanigans.
So thank you baby. And Happy Valentine's Day.
P.S. Visit my facebook and myspace pages for alternate stories and tributes. This shit is just getting started!